a moody presence

I am not paying very good attention to my powerlessness. I still have illusions about power. On my fourth day of denial, I note the following:

• The plane crash in India and the suffering of people
• A good friend of mine may have to go to Afghanistan
• Work people making demands on my time
• Whether the optometrist will hear me

Only four items? It sounds as if I live a very cloistered existence. One would think I would have an endless list by now. The plane crash in India caught my attention as do most disasters. The people on board were there willingly, for the most part. The children may not have had anything to say about it. These random incidents where many people are in the wrong place at the wrong time always make me think about our status in the universe and the guaranteed exit. Most of us will not get to choose when and how we die, and I always pause and think about the people whose lives were interrupted and ended within seconds.

Similarly, a good and dear friend of mine may have to go to Afghanistan. He is military and it is his job, and he should only be there briefly, but still . . .

Random death occurs daily in Afghanistan. Other than breaking his leg to make sure he can’t go, I am so very powerless.

So, I take revenge upon my unsuspecting co-workers. They are a good bunch overall. I enjoy my job and my workplace, but today I became aware of just how powerless I am over people who want to make demands upon my time. One or two of them take precedence, but others – well, others are just lazy and trying to get me to do what they need to do. I am slowly learning to shovel it right back in their direction, but am admittedly powerless if they get the bulldozer and plow it all back into my corner.

And then there was the benign optometrist who appears competent, but only within his known world. He had his script on what patients need and did not want to deviate from the plan. I now need to make another trip or two to get exactly what I want.

Exactly what I want . . . there are all sorts of books and conferences one can pay oodles of money to go to in order to learn how to get exactly what we want. Some suspicious part of me thinks that the only people getting exactly what they want out of those books and conferences are the people who wrote and conduct them. Moody am I today, reluctant to bid farewell to my illusions of control.

©2010 by Barbara L. Kass

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6 Responses to “a moody presence”

  1. ButterfliesGalore-Kimberly Grady Says:

    Yes, the illusions of control…..I can relate to that and it is a challenge to say the least.

    I can honestly say in certain parts of my life I leave the driving to Divine Love=God. I have really learned to somewhat step back and wait for the planned time, rather than my own rushed, need it now attitude.

    Other times I am that little child who cannot wait, I need it yesterday, and better be done right…..ugh I need work. It is intersting that it is different at home versus work, as I may actually be more patient at work.

    Thanks for sharing….
    Kim

    • Barbara Kass Says:

      Hi, Kim — for some reason, God sent me here with a fierce sense of independence; in a way, we are all manifestations of God here on earth, blessed with a certain amount of power to take care of ourselves. With being powerless, though, like you, I send my best energy to the situation and trust God to handle the rest.

  2. holessence Says:

    Barbara – I’m so glad that I’m not within striking distance of you because I’m grinning (oh all right, downright smiling!) at your post and your admitted mood. It takes a big person to admit that.

    • Barbara Kass Says:

      Hi, Laurie — well, then I must be a GIANT given how much complaining I was doing. And, like both Jeff and you have told me, if it has come to the surface, then it is time to deal with it.

  3. Gil Says:

    I have been with you on this journey of discovery of power. It seems to me that “control” is the major issue. Well, I realised that the only control I have is over my own attitude. Everything stems from this. I learnt something recently about mastery vs helplessness personality orientation. People with a helpless orientation attribute their successes to luck and their failures to lack of ability. They think that they cannot change. On the other hand people with a mastery orientation attribute success to controllable factors and failure to uncontrollable ones. Those with a mastery orientation will learn from their mistakes, admit them, move on and try again. Helpless orientated persons give up or dont even try something new in case they suck.
    I grew up and was conditioned into the helpless orientation. I am breaking out of the trap. It is amazing what you can accomplish if you just try. My most difficult thing was to just smile at strangers. Fear has now been replaced by love.
    Love and Laughter
    Gil

    • Barbara Kass Says:

      Gil — I am so happy to hear from you! And very much impressed that you gave up your helplessness. It is not easy and I still succumb to it every once in a while. When I do, I have to go into my conditioning and start unravelling the story I was told and continue to tell myself. Lots of love and laughter to you. Check in once in a while and let me know how your studies are going.

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