Gratitude is a tough walk to take at 3:00 a.m.
At 3:00 a.m., the ghosts of past decisions come to visit. Each and every one of those decisions brought me to this space in my life. I look at the coming day and realize that not everything that is going on in my life is the way I like it, but I am happier than I have ever been.
That I set it all in motion becomes acutely clear – so sharp in my vision that I have to sometimes look away. I am not ready to see all of me just yet.
I am willing to see that I make all of the choices and decisions to be working and living where I am. Every day, I choose this path for many different reasons, and some of those decisions are made unconsciously. As my unconscious self slowly wakes up, I am meeting the self I am who desires peace and happiness.
At 3:00 a.m., I am not quite sure where I will find peace and happiness. All of my lessons in being powerless have taught me that peace and happiness are not “out there” even if I perceive others in the world as having more than their fair share. Still others have so much pain and sorrow, I feel guilty for having any joy.
It is easier to talk gratitude than to walk gratitude. My unconscious self who gave up peace and happiness in favor of guilt and inadequacy knows all the reasons, and I do not need to resolve all of those issues before I walk this path of gratitude presence. The wisdom of my eternal presence reminds me that this walk I am taking, this time of waking up, is happening within me. Within me is the path to peace and happiness – within my thoughts, within my feelings, within my actions, within my responses. Who I am becoming is reflected for others to see and perceive however they choose.
It is time to be the word and today the word is gratitude.
©2010 Barbara L. Kass
Tags: choice, conscious, decision, gratitude, guilt, happiness, joy, path, peace, unconscious, word
Eternal Presence 
June 2, 2010 at 6:14 am |
Amen
Now go back to sleep….
Kim
June 2, 2010 at 6:16 am |
Hi, Kim! You are up early as well. I am definitely a creature of the morning, preferring to be home and snug after the sun goes down. I hope all is well with you.
June 2, 2010 at 6:27 am |
I appreciate that you put into words things that I too struggle with.
You be the word_ gratitude.
Working to be present and in the moment…even I that means I am by myself.
Kim
June 2, 2010 at 8:03 am |
Barbara – I am sitting here with my hot cuppa lemon water this morning reading your words. The ones that jumped off the page at me are: “My unconscious self who gave up peace and happiness in favor of guilt and inadequacy knows all the reasons, and I do NOT need to resolve all of those issues BEFORE I walk this path of gratitude presence.” What I appreciate is there’s no waiting. You don’t have to set it aside and wait until such-and-such gets done first. You can dive in now — head first.
June 2, 2010 at 7:25 pm |
Hi, Laurie — I learned that lesson when I tried to quit smoking. It took me four years before I finally realized that I was NOT going to be able to resolve all of the issues and reason why I smoked until I actually quit. Then, I just learned to deal with them. I feel the same way about gratitude. I won’t know what is standing in my way until I get moving.
June 2, 2010 at 9:01 pm |
Great follow-up — thank you, Barbara.