Posts Tagged ‘reflect’

Reflective presence

May 6, 2010

Sigmund Freud and I share a birthday – May 6. That’s today, by the way. The Hindenburg also blew up on this day in 1937, but I don’t think there is any connection.

Like Freud, I tend to psychoanalyze everything and want to blame it all on my mother.

That puzzles her, of course, because I did not turn out anything like she imagined I would. In fact, I didn’t turn out at all like I imagined I would.

Reflecting upon some of the escapades and near-misses in my life, I am amazed that I survived fairly intact. I spent my middle school, high school, and young adult years on the border of Texas and Mexico with drugs and alcohol freely available. I was smart enough to stay away from drugs but spent many weekend nights in a Juarez bar with my friends. My entourage included a number of people who probably would not have passed a drug or sobriety test at any time of the day. A couple of them actually completely disappeared without warning.

Today, you could not pay me enough money to cross that border.

My parents nearly let me die on a few occasions when I was a child, not because they were murderers at heart, but because they were totally inept. My mother takes insult over that word (she still envisions herself as the perfect mother), but what she doesn’t realize is that it lets her off my hook. I nearly died because no one knew any better.

I do now.

I know that I have always been the person I chose to be. Even if for a time I tried mightily to become who they believed I needed to be, it was still my choice. I look at my future from my present state of mind and being and decide if I want to continue on the path I am currently on. Sometimes, I have made U-turns and other times, I have gotten completely off the highway.

And it does not matter to me whether my path has been good or bad, right or wrong. My 20/20 hindsight always has a better plan. I take only whatever wisdom that hindsight can offer me in the present. Right now, reflecting upon my past behavior, this I know is true: I have whatever I need to continue to be.

©by Barbara L. Kass